Chivas Regal 12

 

Chivas Regal 12 Years Old Blended Scotch whisky is something everyone knows or has heard about. No doubt. This brand’s name is a part of the global culture and it’s flagship, 12 years old blended whisky is present around in films, books and songs, no less than other most popular Scotch whiskies on the planet Earth, like Red Walker, Grant’s or Ballantine’s Finest. I had to do its review and I had to do it at this early stage. I’m not going to tell you in which film or book I’ve heard the name for the first time (Exorcist and King), but instead I will tell you a story from the past.

It all happened more than 20 years ago in Warsaw. I was a student of archaeology then, and I was living in the dorm. The whole campus was made out of two big blocks, four stories high. One of them, the old one, was called “The Old One”. The other one was called “Marriott” - pure luxury; small segments of two rooms with separate bathroom, inhabited only by four students (in “The Old One” there were 50 rooms on each level, three students per room, with six shitters, eight showers and two kitchens on every floor). Once upon a time, a text message woke me up early in the morning. It was simple “come right now”. The sender was a friend of mine, so I got up, brushed my teeth, and made all the way from the third floor of “The Old One”, across the street and to the fourth floor of the “Marriott”. I entered the room. There was a bunch of guys sitting there, around the table and on the beds, all of them with glasses in their hands. On the table there was a big, plastic bottle, the 5L type one, of apple juice. Believe me, all these guys seemed to be far too happy and too red on their faces, to be drinking just the apple juice. Room was full of cigarette smoke and laughter. The big bottle was full of Chivas. I joined them and we lived happily ever after, well, for about two days.

One of the guys was a cleaner, working night shifts in a supermarket. Typical student’s job. They’ve found a way. I didn’t know this trick back then. Now, I work in retail myself so I’m aware of this, and many other, in fact much more sophisticated tricks, to steal stuff, yes, let’s give it a proper name. Simple and clean job. Night shift knows all about CCTV. You have to empty the bottle of an apple juice (to match the colour) and fill it with whisky. Seven bottles will do and all you need to do is to get rid of the glass. Next step is to place your bottle back on the shelf, among the other apple juice bottles. One of your trusted friends is the next one on the stage. He’s coming first thing in the morning to buy a bottle of apple juice, and he knows exactly which one to look for. Simple, and your booze comes cheap as dirt.

I don't remember the taste of that whisky from the past. Maybe it was good, maybe it was bad. It definitely was very effective. I have had a bottle of Chivas around 20 years after that episode and I still don’t remember its taste. That is why I decided to buy another one, quite recently, and around five years after my previous experience. I remember that bottle very well, as it’s probably the last one of the Chivas 12 I will ever have.

For me Chivas 12 is disappointing but there’s no shame in that as it’s disappointing in exactly the same way Johnnie Walker Black Label is. One just expects more from something of that age. It’s whisky, no doubt, but just too simple. Overpowered with grain, Chivas is not too pleasant to smell. Honestly, I don’t think there’s any of this “vanilla custard, aniseed, lemon curd or butter toffee notes”. Unpleasant kerosene, more likely. On the palate, well, not very complex. Banana chips? Something, pepped up with something? Boring. Whisky, oak, bitter, and vodka-like burp if you dare.

Chivas Regal 12 Years Old is nothing to look after. Price was £20 on Amazon, but it could be around £30 in the supermarket, which is something hard to accept. Go for it if you have to. If you don’t, Tamnavulin is the same price and so much better, Bushmills Original is cheaper, and so much better. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with drinking it, it’s all down to personal taste. Chivas 12 is simply not my cup of tea.

Plus one more thing. “Lingering notes of cereal sweetness” is a funny description of nothing, really.